Loss
18:57 Feb 27 2008
Times Read: 861
For those of you that don’t know. I have Multiple Sclerosis. This is a disease that attacks the covering of the nerves in your body, causing short circuits. There are two types of nerves in your body, Sensory and Motor. Motor nerves, are when your brain sends a message to your hand or foot and tells it to move. Sensory is a message sent from the hand or the foot a message of coldness or hotness, such as cold feet. MS attacks the sensory nerves first. I won’t know that my feet are cold, until I press them against someone else or I happen to look down and see that they are tinged blue with cold. The brain will continue to send signals to different parts of your body and when the signal comes to a part of your nerves that has been damaged, you will get a muscle spasm, a twitch and all out pain. Most MS patients live with ongoing pain, we just become so use to it, we ignore it and eventually don’t think of it. It’s just another annoyance. But I digress.
MS is a disease that is full of loss. Loss of Dignity, when you body doesn’t signal to you in the middle of the night, that you have to go to the bathroom. So, you wake up, in wet and stinky pajamas. Loss of Strength, when one day you can lift and pour a gallon of milk with no problem, and the next, you can’t even unscrew the top. Loss of Memory, when your bathroom is littered with post it notes, reminding you to do the most basic of things. Such as, wash or brush your hair, brush your teeth, wash your face, wash your body and reminder to put deodorant on. One of the hardest is the loss of Independence, when you find yourself, unable to button your blouse, stand unassisted, or even feed yourself at times.
Prior to my first MS attack in 2003, I worked as an EMT on an ambulance. It’s a heady job, as you drive all over the county, helping someone in their time of need. You take pain away, you make a frighten child laugh, you cry with loved ones and have the joy of bringing a new life into this world. You feel with everything you do and say, you have made a difference in this world. Being an EMT, becomes part of your personality. You need to show confidence in your skills, so that the patients have confidence in you, when you come to save them. I mean, how much confidence are you going to have, to have the EMT in charge of helping you, checking the EMT Manual on how to give you treatment?
But imagine the loss. Going from saving lives, to being unable to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yeah that is significant. But what about the other losses I have endured. I have placed in my portfolio, pictures that I drew of people I found in magazines. I will never know that joy, as I don’t have the fine muscle control you need in your hands and fingers, to be able to create like that again. For the same reason, I won’t enjoy painting ceramics again, because I simply don’t have the fine muscle control. I will never be able to go shoot trap or skeet, because simply my balance isn’t the same and what can be more dangerous than someone with a loaded weapon, falling. For the same reason, its hard for me to enjoy bowling, as my coordination isn’t what it was and walking by myself at times is a challenge, add 12 lb ball to one side or another and it gets real interesting. But I try.
I bring all this up, due to a conversation I had with Josh. I will admit, that I am in remission and I can do most things, that I couldn’t before. But as my mother (who has had MS for 35 years) pointed out. I might not be in remission, as much as I have learned to compensate, to be able to live with my disease. I don’t walk with a cane now, but that could be due to the fact, that I have changed how I walked, widened my gait and learned not to turn quickly. Learned to balance myself better, using other things, other than my numb feet. Here’s a test to show you what I mean. Next time you are just standing around, think about your feet. Can you feel all the auxiliary muscles twitching down there, to keep you standing upright, to keep you balanced? I don’t have control over those muscles anymore, as what those muscles do, is send a message to your brain saying, “we need to adjust this way” and your brain sends back the message to do it. My brain doesn’t get that message telling it, that it needs to adjust. See what I mean.
Josh accused me of not trying. Seemingly he is a wonderful cure, as I am in remission and more functional that I ever have been. Yet when he accuses me of not taking chances and not trying, it hurts. He doesn’t understand the loss that I have already felt, the deep depression of not being able to do something that you have done all your life. He didn’t understand, that I didn’t want to feel another Loss, that I didn’t want to go through that pain yet again. He understands now, I hope that others do too. MS is hell the first couple years, between trying to get a doctor to tell you what is going on with your body and getting use to the new things your body is doing, or not doing in this case. Yet Loss is part of it. Loss of Dignity, Loss of Independence, Loss of Strength, Loss of Memory and the most important, Loss of Self. Slowly, I am rebuilding that Self. How am I doing so far?
Hmmmm Great Vday and even better morning....
03:39 Feb 16 2008
Times Read: 1,051
After a great Valentines day, for both of us. This is what transpired the next morning.
I woke up Josh....trying to get him up to go to work. He kept cuddling and kissing. I would push him away giggling and tell him he didn't have time....
Finally I said. "Dearest, I would love to have you home for a whole day in bed, so we could cuddle...."
That's as far as I got and he popped his head up, his eyes shining wickedly and grinning, "Granted!!"
Apparently he took the day off, just for a day off and to be with me. How is that for a Valentine's day present? That brat never even told me.
I will tell you that it helped me forget about another anniversary.
February 14th, 2005 - Diagnosed officially with Multiple Sclerosis.
Well ... you certainly didn't wow me with that message. 
COMMENTS
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DarkSyn
23:27 Feb 28 2008
LMAO
Sinora
23:32 Feb 28 2008
*Adds this to my growing list*.....wow I'm so getting an educated here lol
RedQueen
07:35 Feb 29 2008
*clapping hands together and giggling evilly*
oh aYAYEZ.......LMAO....
CelestiaNocturne
14:27 Feb 29 2008
LOL
Here's another one:
"Twatwaffle" *giggles*
Vampirewitch39
21:47 Feb 29 2008
Twatwhat???
Kitsuna
23:19 Mar 02 2008
Lol. Confused and Amused.